Opinion

Der Klassiker: 5 Reasons Why

Alright, enough already. I don’t need to wake up to another 5 reasons why-piece push notification on my phone to remind me that you know that I know that you know that you’re hyperaware of the ever-shrinking attention span of your target audience and need to deliver easily digestible content.

To hell with all this 5 reasons why this or that might happen-preformatted template muck. YOU DON’T KNOW. One of the bullshit-artist-turned-football-pundits might guess right but football is a complex game and Bayern v. Dortmund could go one way or another for a million reasons. I just recorded three hours of Podcast on that subject and we barely scratched the surface.

We all have a PhD in watching former coaches and other insiders that spent all their life contemplating the game failing to predict a single outcome of high-profile matches.

I’ll also spare you with my attempt to predict which combination of 11 Joffrey Baratheons Niko Kovac will pick to haunt us.

I.

Ever since a humiliated and ridiculed Uli Hoeness whispered I will hurt you for this. The day will come when you think you are safe and happy and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth into the trembling night sky of the Berlin Olympiastadion as Dortmund cheered on their double win in 2012, the Bundesliga has been fucked.

20, 25, 10, 5, 10, 17 – this has been the excitement-void margin between Bayern and the second-best going into MD28 of the Bundesliga for the past SIX FRICKEN SEASONS!!!

Unlike the butthurt Rocket League noobs that promise that they will play seriously now, the Southerners actually did play hardball when triggered by a 5-2 shellacking. Who knew.

II.

So here we are now seven years later laden with the nostalgia of an unfucked Bundesliga and the chance to recapture a fleeting moment of belying parity before the inevitable Doomsday Bells will again ring to announce the unforgiving loosening of Bayern’s purse strings.

Cool story about the temporary rediscovered duopoly between Germany’s top two teams, as fans of 16 other Bundesliga clubs will note from their eternal Sheol. Yes, these are the days to contemplate how one could install the socialistic approach of the draft-system in U.S. sports to save the European Leagues from the ever greater divide in wealth. The European Superleague won’t save you.

Even the fricken Cleveland Browns can potentially recover from an eternity of L-Ball so why can’t FSV Mainz reach for the stars? Reality dictates that it cannot be, so this is it. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you better build a 5-point margin for the six remaining games.

III.

Remember when Marco Reus crammed himself into an elevator with Norbert Dickel to announce that he just extended his contract? Without this particular domino falling into 2023, we might not be talking about a title race but an utter rebuild from the ground. Instead, the Dortmund captain held this jawn together and dragged it over the fourth-place finish line amid the testing times of the infamous Peter Stoger era. So this narrative alone deserves a happy ending with the fresh father lifting that goddamn Meisterschale in his hometown.

IV.

But Bayern maybe deserve to sit this one out just on the merits of the shitshow they have put us through all season.

Karl-Heinz Rummenigge citing Article I. of Basic Law for the Federal Republic of Germany Human dignity shall be inviolable” after he felt his royal highness encroached by the media and all the ensuing hypocrisy of one ridiculous press conference was more than one could take.

The popcorn reserves were hardly replenished before Franck Ribery bitchslapped a reporter and alleged friend(?) with the consequence of a stern finger-wagging by the people who didn’t already fire his ass when it was revealed that he likes himself an underaged* prostitute for his name day. *poor Franck didn’t know

It got worse for him when his golden steak advert was not well-received by the common folk, so he lashed out against common folk’s grandmother. What gives.

Yet, irrationally more infuriating was the scene on Wednesday night when Guido Winkmann opted to send Niklas Sule off against 2nd-tier side Heidenheim. Seconds later the seemingly limitless entitlement was on display in high definition.

A throng of six outraged Bayern faces formed around the official to plead, argue and yell for clemency AFTER the foul was carefully reviewed on VAR. This brought flashbacks from that riveting 200-page indictment read of Operation Varsity Blues about rich people trying to cheat the system.

One wants to snatch the microphone from Patrick Wasserzieher’s stupid hands and ask the players on live tv why they find such reprehensible behaviour toward a referee OK and repeatedly whack their foreheads when the answer is “everyone else does it too”. JUST SHUT UP AND STOP LAMENTING OVER EVERY GODDAMN THROW-IN CALL FOR CHRISTS SAKE.

In moments like these one hates pampered Bayern players the most. Unless, of course, when Hoeness proclaims himself second instead of third because, well, GoAl DifFeReNce DoEsN’t CoUnt. Give me a break.

For once, all these shenanigans should be rewarded with a second-place finish and the coinciding Schadenfreude so that at last everyone can imitate a squinting, spoon-clutching, teeth-clenching Uncle Vernon.

V.

So for the love of good, dear Ballspielverein, please win so that non-Bayern fans can feel solace if not happiness in this merciless diaspora of Bundesliga monopoly and so that hardened Bayern fans can feel something again. Nobody wants to see the unbearable hot takes about the German league when Bayern Munich win it in their *bad* year.